


love as an ongoing effort

by intricate_glass_box



Series: Lex and the Actor [6]
Category: markiplier - Fandom
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Love, Manipulation, Mental Health Issues, Minor Violence, Original Character(s), Other, Relationship Issues, implied suicidal ideation, tagged to be safe. it's an accident but still
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-26
Updated: 2020-08-26
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:01:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26128441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/intricate_glass_box/pseuds/intricate_glass_box
Summary: During a period of abysmal mental health, the Actor ends up pushing Lex away, testing their love and their patience under the ill-founded reasoning that they’re going to leave him and wanting either to prove himself wrong or get it over with already. Lex isn’t so easily deterred; they know the good in him as well as the bad and they love him completely.
Relationships: Actor Mark/Original Character
Series: Lex and the Actor [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1855654
Kudos: 5





	love as an ongoing effort

**Author's Note:**

> Hm, please be careful with this one. I tried to tag it well but I want folks to proceed with caution in case I’ve missed something. 
> 
> People shouldn’t act like Mark does here, but sometimes shit happens. And it’s not like he can just go to therapy, so… y’know. Untreated mental illness = shit happening. That being said, mental illness can be an explanation for, but not an excuse for, hurting other people. You’ve gotta do the best you can to work to be better with the resources you have available. Try your best out there; take care of yourselves and reach out for help when you need it.

It had been a hard day. With some regularity, Mark would have particularly bad mental health days. These could manifest in a number of ways: overwhelming sadness, drinking to excess, or as was the case today, withdrawing nearly entirely. 

Lex had wondered if something was up when Mark had only sluggishly dragged himself from bed and stayed in his night clothes instead of getting dressed, but first assumed he was just extra tired for one reason or another. 

Hoping to give him an easy morning if that were the case, Lex volunteered to make breakfast, but by the time it was ready, the distance in his eyes coupled with barely touching the food and shutting down Lex’s attempts at conversation with flat, clipped responses made it clear that it was more than just tiredness. Today was going to be hard for him… and for Lex, too. 

They stayed with him as much as they could, although more pointed attempts to get him to open up and talk to them about what was wrong went unfulfilled, and the distractions they’d tried seemed to fail to keep him out of his head. 

Then, he disappeared sometime in early afternoon. Lex tried not to be so terrified, but they were. In the manor, they couldn’t find him if he didn’t want to be found, and apparently he did not want to be found. They found themself pacing circles around the spots he usually frequented, and shot off a couple of texts: “Where are you? I was looking for you, but I can’t find you,” then when there was no response, “If you want to be alone, that’s fine of course, but can you just let me know that you’re okay?” 

Circling the seemingly-empty manor wasn’t helping, so they collapsed on a couch with a book, hoping to distract themself. But with the Actor missing, they couldn’t focus on it. 

After maybe the 50th time Lex checked their phone, desperately hoping for a reply, the Actor walked in, leaning on the doorway and regarding them. 

“Mark,” Lex said as they sat up quickly, relieved. “I was worried.” 

“I’m sorry,” he said. 

There was a silence. 

“…Do you want to sit with me?” they asked, moving to leave one side of the couch invitingly open. Lex was trying not to be overbearing but so desperately wanted to help him… or at least keep eyes on him, if they couldn’t. 

Mark seemed to consider it for a moment, and walked over and joined them. Lex was a little surprised when he then leaned against them, curling towards them, and asked, “Why do you bother?” 

“…Bother with what, my love?” They held him gently with one arm, taking his hand with the other. 

“ _Me_ ,” he asked, wretched pain in his voice. 

“Because I love you. No matter what, Mark, and more than anything. And because you deserve to be loved — you deserve someone who gives a shit enough to worry.” 

“Promise me you’ll never leave me.”

…Lex was honest to a fault. They didn’t lie, they hated omitting relevant parts of the truth, and they wouldn’t make a promise they couldn’t be certain they would keep. Without omniscience, they’d never be able to promise Mark honestly (by their own definition) to stay with him forever. “I never plan to leave you,” Lex replied, because that much was true. They couldn’t imagine their life without him, but even thinking about it made them sad.

It wasn’t enough for Mark, who knew Lex well enough to pick up on their alternate wording. He pulled away from their comforting embrace. “ _Promise me,_ ” Mark repeated, overtly demanding now. 

“…Mark. No one can truly make a promise like that.”

“ _I_ can,” he insisted. “I’ll never leave you, Lex. _Ever._ ” 

Lex stared him down. They hated when he wasn’t honest with them, but they weren’t going to hold it against him on a day like today, so they responded gently. “You shouldn’t, even if you could, Mark. I’d rather promise you that I’ll work to grow with you, and that I’ll always be patient with you, and that I love you. Those promises should mean more to you, Mark, because you know they’re true. They mean something.” 

Mark looked hurt and angry. It was like he’d heard nothing they’d said. Lex expected him to reply, but then he stood. “I’ve got stuff to do. Don’t come find me.” 

“Mark! Please.” Lex moved to stand, reaching for his hand, but he shook out of their grip and walked away without looking back. 

Lex followed to the hallway, but Mark was already gone. Their heart wrenched, and just in case he was still listening, they managed to say, “This is why a promise not to leave is less valuable than a promise to work together, Mark.” He’d clearly offered neither truthfully, given that he wasn’t here and he wouldn’t talk to them. 

———

Mark never returned, and Lex spent the rest of the day worried sick about him. 

Despite the lack of a resolution to their disagreement, Lex crept to Mark’s room at bedtime, desperately hoping he’d be there, and he was, and nearly ready for bed. Seemingly safe, too, although if his refusal to look at them was anything to go by, he was still mad. Lex was extremely relieved nonetheless. 

He didn’t ask them to leave, so Lex waited quietly while Mark finished up his nighttime routine. Even then, neither talked, but Mark didn’t protest when Lex climbed into bed beside him. 

They laid on their own sides of the bed, the tension in the air thick. 

After several minutes, Mark broke the silence. “I know why you can’t promise me,” he whispered bitterly, “and it’s what I’ve been telling you all along. You only love me because I’m all you have. All you know.” 

“Mark! You know that’s not true,” Lex insisted, sitting up to face him. “Please, make an effort to challenge your anxious thoughts. Like, goddamnit, you get worried about me getting too close with other people and then you convince yourself I only love you because I only know you? They can’t both be true, at least. Your anxious thoughts are not rational, Mark, please listen to me and not them.” 

He turned away from them. “If you’re going to do it someday, just fucking leave me now,” he spat.

“I never plan to leave you, Mark. I want to spend my whole life with you. I love you more than light, darling, what can I do to make you hear me? I can’t make a promise I can’t be certain about. All I can do is make a goal. Love should be a goal, Mark — something we work to sustain.” 

Lex wasn’t getting through to him at all. He suddenly turned to them, angry and upset, and shoved them. Hard. “Mark—?!” they yelped — the force was enough that they were pushed all the way off the bed. Lex fell clumsily to the floor, landing on their hip and catching themself too-hard on one hand. 

“Get out,” he said, and even in the two syllables Lex could tell he tried to start with more fire than he could finish with.

Lex was very nearly in shock. He’d never done anything like that. A million thoughts whirred through their head — and, _fuck,_ their wrist and hip hurt, but it didn’t change the fact that they loved him. After a few seconds of just trying to process this, they heard a sniffle, and they were pretty sure he was crying up there.

Carefully, Lex stood. The Actor was still facing that way, and for a minute the two just looked at each other — Lex holding their wrist gingerly from several feet away and the Actor trying not to go into a sobbing fit on the bed. 

“Mark, I am not leaving you. Not now, and I never plan to. I love you, Mark.” 

“Stop,” he snarled, leaning into the anger and frustration he was feeling. “Just stop, I can’t take this, Lex. Why don’t you understand that _I am this?_ I’m manipulative, I’m mean, and I am _a bad person, Lex,_ why don’t you see that? I stayed away all afternoon just to see if you’d worry about me enough to look. I do things you hate — I lie to you, I don’t tell you what’s wrong. I just fucking— I just _hurt_ you. Lex, just stop dragging it out.” As he talked, trying to convince you he was a bad person, trying to convince you to leave him, he cried harder, each word harder to tear from his chest. 

Lex knew it wasn’t all false. They knew Mark could be manipulative and mean. They knew he’d done terrible things. 

“Maybe that _is_ you, Mark, but it’s not all you are. You love me. I know that, because you take the time and effort to show me. You know my favorite flowers and you listen when I talk to you. It’s not all you are because you’re also intelligent and funny and talented. And I know you’re working to get better. You’re _trying_ and that’s all anybody should ask of you. I _know_ you, all of you that you’ve shared with me, and I love you, Mark.”

Mark fell apart as they talked, losing the anger he’d been wielding and devolving into weak sobs on the bed. He really didn’t want to keep trying to push them away. Mark was so _tired_ after a full day of fighting Lex who only wanted to help, and fighting himself to keep from doing any number of the stupid things he had the urge to do, hating himself in general and even more when he failed, and loving Lex but being too preoccupied with the heartbreak they could cause him to do it properly. He’d very possibly fucked up worse today with them than he ever had before, and they were still here. Still here, and still explaining that they loved him. He couldn’t keep doing this.

“…I didn’t think you’d fall off,” he said. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’m so sorry, Lex, I’m so sorry for everything.”

Lex carefully climbed back into bed. Mark didn’t move, so they carefully pulled him into a hug. “I accept and appreciate your apology,” they told him. 

“It gets so _bad,_ Lex. Today’s been… so hard. I just… hate myself. I don’t know why you stay. I don’t know how you can love me.”

“I can and I do,” Lex reiterated, “and I could list all the reasons why if you wanted me to, but Mark, this is your brain. My love can’t heal you. I can support you and I will do everything I can for you, but you’ve been through things no one else has and no one ever should have had to.” 

It just hurt. It was always too complicated to untangle what _he_ had done and what he had been _made_ to do… it all felt to Mark, when he’d admit to being in the wrong at all, as his fault alone. In the face of everything he’d lost — everything he’d _taken_ — it was impossible for him to say he didn’t deserve to feel this way.

He’d been quiet for long enough they spoke up again. “Mark? Talk to me, my love. I’m here for you.” 

He had reasons to live, now, but the urges were still there, and could get so strong… so temping, especially when he couldn’t believe he deserved good things or to be happy. And, maybe he should talk to Lex about these thoughts — he knew Lex couldn’t fix him, like they’d said, but their support certainly helped when he allowed himself to accept it — but he was _so_ tired, physically and emotionally. “I’m sorry, I just… I can’t. I just need to sleep. I can’t take it anymore tonight.” 

They gently wiped the tears from his cheeks. “It’ll be better in the morning, Mark. And I’ll still be here. We can sleep; I’ll be quiet.”

Mark wished he could tell them how much it meant to him that through it all they really were still with him, even with his worse qualities. He knew, even if he couldn’t feel he deserved it and even though he was still so goddamn afraid to lose them, that this was what they meant when they promised things other than forever. He wasn’t sure he could _ever_ put that into words, though. He settled for whispering, “Thank you. I love you,” and eventually fell asleep.

* * *

Shortly after they woke up, before either of them suggested actually getting out of bed, Mark reached ever so cautiously for Lex’s hand — the wrist that they’d fallen on. “Does it hurt?” he asked in a small voice. 

They moved it around a bit, then pressed their hand on the bed to test resistance. “No, it seems fine now.” 

The Actor still looked horribly remorseful, and brought the hand up to his lips, kissing it softly. “I’m so sorry, Lex. I… I really didn’t mean for that to happen but I’ll never do it again.”

“You promise?” Lex asked. 

“I promise. Never.”

* * *

Mark stayed with Lex rather than isolating himself. It was admittedly easier to fight the urge to pose them stupid, manipulative tests of their love when he would talk to them first. He managed to tell them when his thoughts turned dark, and if he felt able to elaborate, Lex would talk him through it logically and they would dispel the anxious or paranoid ideas. If he couldn’t voice the details, they involved him in a distraction like an unrelated conversation or a movie in an attempt to keep him from spiraling deeper into unproductive sadness. It wasn’t perfect, and it wasn’t easy, but it helped.

* * *

“This has to be annoying you,” the Actor said bitterly. Lex had been doing all the cooking and all the chores the manor required because Mark didn’t have the energy, and Mark had the audacity to get lonely and upset that they weren’t with him for that time. They’d just come back from cleaning up lunch, and he was fighting the urge to beg for them to cuddle him again. They hadn’t gotten a moment of rest on their own; he wouldn’t let himself take this one away. 

“No, Mark. It’s not a big deal. If you were physically ill, you wouldn’t be so hard on yourself about letting me take over the chores for a couple of days,” they pointed out, and they knew it from experience. 

Mark put his hands over his eyes, frustrated with himself and trying not to cry again, and so was surprised when Lex moved to sit beside him, wrapping their arms around his chest. “You looked like you needed a hug,” Lex commented. 

Mark reached for them, holding them close, and ended up crying again.

* * *

Mark had to endure a few more days of torment before it finally began to let up and he slowly returned to his normal self. He tried, but couldn’t find the words to express how much Lex — always, but particularly for their unwavering support over the last week or so — meant to him. 

Lex was just happy Mark wasn’t struggling so badly anymore, but they also noticed that as soon as he had the energy to do so, he picked up somewhat more than his half of the chores, and that he’d been less adamant about his own preferences for food to eat or movies to watch, so they were getting their way more than usual. And, well, it wasn’t necessary… but they also weren’t going to tell him to stop.

It would only last a few days, anyway, and then they’d be back to the real normal, but the real normal was good.


End file.
